tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39509408321456123332024-02-19T12:12:20.669-05:00ADAPTED FROM A NOVELlolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.comBlogger140125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-39957374253291728772013-10-08T16:04:00.001-04:002013-10-08T18:02:16.793-04:00My New Home Sweet HomeI, along with my girlfriend recently moved into a beautiful new home in the Toronto neighborhood of Parkdale. It's nestled between pregnant lesbians, elderly Asian beer can collectors and childless professors and of course we fit in quite nicely. Mostly because we all ride bicycles. Our new home spans the top two floors of an old Victorian, decorated with crown moldings and wainscoting, creaky wooden floors and a clawfoot tub in the master bath. So yes, it's basically a Pinterest board.<br />
<br />
Of course getting an apartment of this calibre wasn't easy. We braved a line of over 50 people who trotted in and out of our soon to be home (shoes ON, might I add), commenting on how their dining room set would fit perfectly into the space or how they lived just down the street so they "already knew the neighborhood", as if that was some kind of bonus. Most had their credit reports in hand, neatly filed with their bank statement and references; Clearly they had been looking for some time, just as we had. And let me tell you, it was slim pickens. It's no wonder you could cut the eagerness with a knife.<br />
<br />
I remember standing shoulder to shoulder with these hipster couples, all within our age group (I'm the ripe young age of 32, if you must know), everyone filling out their applications. Name, date of birth, current address & previous address, current landlord & previous landlord, current employer & previous employer. We had filled so many of these out already, I could have completed it with my eyes closed. Bank account numbers, personal references, bra size (kidding - just making sure you're paying attention)... it seemed to never end. We filled one out because, hell - someone had to get it, right?<br />
<br />
Well, someone did. This someone. And why? How? Out of all the applicants, why would this gorgeous, young, busty jew get it and not them? It's simple really. Because the landlord printed old applications that didn't ask for contact information and I was the only one to follow up. Seriously. No phone number. No email address. Nothing. They had the rights to my first born - but if they wanted to text me? Nope, sorry.<br />
<br />
But YAY!! In the end, the apartment was ours! And therefore the moral of the story is? <strike>Look for homes that have stoners for landlords!</strike> Always follow up!<br />
<br />
Yes! Following up = success. I can't provide any examples to that equation other than the above story but trust me on this one.<br />
<br />
The. End.<br />
<br />
Ok.<br />
<br />
Ok, FINE.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I initially set out to write about a very noisy dog. A dog I could hear from a far, causing quite a raucous during our initial visit to the apartment. While we filled out our application, this dog barked his face off like a fucking champ. I cheekily commented "does that dog come with the place?" and yes, I got a few laughs - or so I remember. But in the end, that dog DID come with the place. And he is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. My girlfriend Googled what to do about noisy neighborhood dogs but that didn't provide much help - Also, perhaps she is just a lousy Googler. Sometimes I bark back, but that too is ineffective. Go figure.<br />
<br />
So yes, I initially set out to write about the dog. But after second thought, I felt that maybe it was best kept secret. Because if we end up kidnapping him and driving him up north and leaving him at some farm and never speaking of this again, well then I wouldn't want it to be out there on the internets or anything. So i'm not going to talk about the dog.<br />
<br />
Now, where's that delete button? Is it the one that says "Publish"? I'll try that...lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-75854756500047763632013-05-30T19:50:00.000-04:002013-05-30T19:50:07.767-04:00Apple FailI hope all the Apple executives love it when they try and select things on their Apple TV using the remote but it instead turns on their iTunes from their MacBook and turns the volume up. And I hope people are over when it happens. And I hope the song that plays automatically on their MacBook is something by Dave Matthews Band.lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-75639923526440096192012-08-28T01:09:00.001-04:002012-08-28T11:18:49.934-04:00an imagine standing still<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaqa7PHX6JzK1Jgq7MZtx5eBr8PsHmdIhyphenhyphenJhOGZHjNdeNINXjZxgaxFSQdgcMsrVIcwQpDnGrnE7mELJYarxN-NYDlB6xVxOSVhDuzabHRMUvPLRb9BYBdFUOt0sZRbx4MY_3in9fJ/s1600/tumblr_m9g802Y2mA1qzvd23o1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaqa7PHX6JzK1Jgq7MZtx5eBr8PsHmdIhyphenhyphenJhOGZHjNdeNINXjZxgaxFSQdgcMsrVIcwQpDnGrnE7mELJYarxN-NYDlB6xVxOSVhDuzabHRMUvPLRb9BYBdFUOt0sZRbx4MY_3in9fJ/s320/tumblr_m9g802Y2mA1qzvd23o1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-89045985754020662282012-08-22T15:49:00.002-04:002013-05-30T20:00:17.786-04:00Buy Me Somethin' GoodI fucking love my birthday.<br />
<br />
I've always craved attention and a birthday is the ultimate vessel for it.<br />
<br />
But as the years go by, it becomes less about the attention and more about the presents. Everyone knows presents are the most important thing in the world. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.<br />
<br />
Problem.<br />
<br />
My girlfriend Katie is a tad weak as a gift giver. More than that, she hates it. She hates thinking of gifts, looking for gifts, spending money on gifts. She just hates gifts (unless she is the one getting them). She constantly buys for others what she would like for herself and I mean this literally. She buys the gifts and then she uses them. We spoke last night about my upcoming birthday and what I'd like to receive. I told her to surprise me. Mistake number one. She then proceeded to tell me what she was thinking of buying me.<br />
<br />
First - a helicopter ride around the city.<br />
<br />
A helicopter ride around the city for the girl who takes two ativan to fly but that doesn't even really help because it doesn't actually take away my genuine belief that i'm about to die on any given flight.<br />
<br />
Second?<br />
<br />
An ironing board.<br />
<br />
We've been together over a year. And she wants to buy me an ironing board.<br />
<br />
Ask me how many times i've used an ironing board IN MY LIFE.<br />
<br />
4 times. FOUR TIMES. And that's an estimate given that I DON'T OWN ONE! She may as well buy me a mop. At least the mop I could use as a wig for some joke sometime. Seriously.<br />
<br />
I guess things could be worse. The guy sitting next to me this morning on the street car was wearing a plastic bag and his arm was covered in enormous cysts. Yes, it could certainly be worse. But i don't want an ironing board! What i'd truthfully love is for her to just take me out to a cute restaurant and get drunk on a good bottle of wine.<br />
<br />
But no. That's not her style. And remember what I told you - she likes gifts she would want for herself. And she doesn't want that. So - in an attempt to save my relationship, I have compiled a list (including links) of things i'd want for my birthday that she herself could enjoy as well.<br />
<br />
I present to you, my birthday wishlist.<br />
<br />
<b>1. </b><a href="http://www.canadiantire.ca/AST/browse/3/HouseHome/Vacuums/CordlessSweepers/PRD~0436683P/Bissell+Cordless+Pet+Hand+Vacuum.jsp?locale=en" target="_blank"><b>A DUSTBUSTER (click)</b></a><br />
Sure, sure... it's as domestic as an ironing board. But the difference is, i'd USE a dustbuster. I hate dust, and i love busting. Plus Katie loves clean corners. You do not mess with Katie and cleanliness. Trust me. If cleaning paid more than model managing, Katie would be cleaning. All. The. Time.<br />
<br />
<b>2. </b><a href="http://www.canadiantire.ca/AST/browse/8/KitchenBath/2/Appliances/CoffeeMakers/PRDOVR~1423143P/8+cup+Glass+Coffee+Press.jsp?locale=en" target="_blank"><b>A COFFEE PRESS (click)</b></a><br />
A Tassimo or a Keurig is a little too glamorous for me. Plus, I really don't drink too much coffee. Weekends, mostly. But you know who likes coffee? Katie. Katie likes coffee. Katie likes coffee all the time. You never know when Katie wants coffee. Could be now. Or now! I like Katie being comfortable at my place, so a way to make coffee quickly would be awesome. Because Katie doesn't like to wait very long either. A coffee press is perfect for that. Plus, it's super cheap. Another thing Katie really likes. <br />
<br />
<b>3. PILLOWS! </b><br />
I don't think this needs much of an explanation. I have two plain white couches in my living room with... wait for it... NO pillows! I like gray and white ones (<a href="http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=23507817&parentid=A_DEC_PILLOWS" target="_blank">like this one</a>) and then super colorful ones (<a href="http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=24838534&parentid=A_DEC_PILLOWS" target="_blank">like this one</a>). But truthfully, I want pillows so that when Katie comes over, she can be comfortable. Everyone else can go fuck themselves (including me).<br />
<br />
4. <b><a href="http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=17216961&parentid=A_MUSIC_VITUR" target="_blank">RECORD PLAYER (click)</a></b><br />
Ok, so I have a record player. I've had one for a long long time. But I want another one for my room. The only thing I don't love about my new apartment is that my record player is so far from my bedroom. So basically, I can only listen to records in my living room. But I would simply love to have this in my bedroom so I could bring records in there. Wouldn't that just be amazing, Katie? Wouldn't it??? <br />
<br />
<b>5. <a href="http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/category.jsp?id=A_ENT_BOOKS_STATIONERY" target="_blank">A BUNCH OF STUPID SHIT (click)</a></b><br />
I'm a Jew. Jews love stupid stuff. We call it "Tchochkees" and we live for this shit. You will literally never find a Jew who is upset about a box of little tchochkees as a gift. Basically, the more the merrier. Great place in TO for tchochkees? Magic Pony on Queen W. Do I have to google map it for you?<br />
<br />
<b>6. CASH</b><br />
Get me cash and i'll end this.<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/aQlhrrqTQmU" target="_blank"></a><br />
<br />
<br />lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-56362642768511452362012-07-27T15:35:00.003-04:002012-07-27T15:43:26.803-04:00he's probably right<i>the following is </i> <i>an email from andy after i asked him what the name of the tool was that i needed to install my new towel rack.</i><br />
<br />
a drill, some drywall plugs and screws<br />
i don't think screws come with<br />
oh<br />
and a screwdriver<br />
and probably a man<br />
<br />lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-16894235329824944432012-05-02T11:19:00.002-04:002013-05-30T20:01:24.232-04:00conversations with the groom<b>lolo: </b>r u speaking at ur wedding<br />
<b>andy:</b> of course. i'm not writing anything though. <br />
<b>andy:</b> i want to ad lib<br />
<b>andy:</b> actually, i was thinking of mad libbing<br />
<b>andy: </b>just having a speech with some nouns and verbs missing<br />
<b>lolo:</b> u r on fire right now.<br />
<b>lolo: </b>i want to blog this conversation<br />
<b>andy:</b> i'll try to craft a tweet about it <br />
<b>lolo: </b>crossed my mind but too many words & none worth eliminating<br />
<b>andy:</b> i am going to take a dump soon and i'll work on it<br />
<br />
I can't wait to be at this wedding.lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-3826752713013530782011-10-13T19:20:00.004-04:002012-07-27T15:38:12.822-04:00People Are Dicks (Toronto Edition)IF YOU SEE THIS BIKE, PLEASE CONTACT ME.<br />
She answers to Marigold. She is grey, pretty banged up but new seat and new handle bars. Half the bell is missing (the top half) and the front has two clips for lights (cuz I didn't know how to take the old one off). This bike was literally stolen from my doorstep while locked up. I live on Ossington at College so if you're near there, please keep a close eye.<br />
<br />
Let's stop bike thieves. Together we can stop bike thieves (wait, I just said that).<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlnRn-IYE-VZqqILYo88pfhaMg-Xt5WhOv3NLZ1OyIysn9gV78UU_UudqK5LB7cDe90WBKo1NIYlbWsFXV_icY_oUpv_WXv3Vud3OGVkbdD8Ky1rBZHeJz0PRzd7LM_2YrahdwuXaK/s400/IMG01152-20100516-1635.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlnRn-IYE-VZqqILYo88pfhaMg-Xt5WhOv3NLZ1OyIysn9gV78UU_UudqK5LB7cDe90WBKo1NIYlbWsFXV_icY_oUpv_WXv3Vud3OGVkbdD8Ky1rBZHeJz0PRzd7LM_2YrahdwuXaK/s320/IMG01152-20100516-1635.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-39425354485077277452011-08-03T08:59:00.001-04:002011-08-03T09:01:06.582-04:00Music Now! Music Now!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="257" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/x4m0etjNMak?rel=0" width="400"></iframe><br />
<br />
Saw this show Monday night. Was a fan before but am now a superfan, which means that part of my responsibilities are to post a video of hers on my blog. I signed a contract so it's kind of a non-negotiable. Enjoy this version of 'The Writer' in a one-take at Metropolis Studios in February 2010. So good.lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-81220027399639541042011-07-26T13:31:00.000-04:002012-05-02T11:28:40.997-04:00I read too, ya know!<i>"I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society... unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool." </i><br />
<br />
Tina Fey's book Bossypants is hysterical.lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-58037175030123818742011-07-14T14:44:00.003-04:002011-07-14T17:37:09.091-04:00Picture Of The Day<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlMDLC-xalREYru30bAJU5PS4VJg7aKiBHKKnSMeZss6FMrCTndyrzRIne-DVHu2dHiMMyX8LR-5W1j8wQDgCQM6ILyqyB7KAeklzk2POZDa_-tkuEJiqIZfx7rRRzJ7CNj3gDrAOD/s1600/8kHmL.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlMDLC-xalREYru30bAJU5PS4VJg7aKiBHKKnSMeZss6FMrCTndyrzRIne-DVHu2dHiMMyX8LR-5W1j8wQDgCQM6ILyqyB7KAeklzk2POZDa_-tkuEJiqIZfx7rRRzJ7CNj3gDrAOD/s320/8kHmL.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the truth will set you free, brendon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-854364872692625952011-07-12T14:54:00.003-04:002011-10-31T00:19:24.697-04:00The Aaron Chronicles: Vol 2<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">A new feature, chronicling the adventures of my eldest brother Aaron and the genuinely serious things he says and does that we can all laugh at him for. (Don't tell him about my blog - seriously).</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b>Vol 2: Speed Racer</b></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><i>Aaron gets pulled over going 146 in a 100 zone on the 401. </i></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b>Aaron:</b> "I was actually just speeding up for a few moments as I got out of the traffic"</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b>Cop:</b> "I've been following you for 12 kilometres".</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-8539045602248662802011-07-12T14:50:00.004-04:002011-10-31T00:19:00.395-04:00The Aaron Chronicles: Vol 1A new feature, chronicling the adventures of my eldest brother Aaron and the genuinely serious things he says and does that we can all laugh at him for. (Don't tell him about my blog - seriously).<br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Vol 1: WordMole</b><br />
<i>Aaron has a high score of 13595. </i><br />
<br />
<b>Me:</b> "Aar, what's the trick to getting such a high score?"<br />
<b>Aaron:</b> "It's something that comes from within".lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-67682882804069844772011-07-12T14:03:00.001-04:002011-07-12T14:07:42.331-04:00From The Awesome FileFather & Son at First/Last space shuttle launch.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxGdMMxXcRF0w-XJHWIE1rpdfzRUsInkvZ3_JI0xowQHF0e8TmlESXxMqlXttyWHqdTe5qMmqmU37YFLYRiiigo8wC9i-vq_XxJTE5jOwr1ZsDkFrFYOyTQP_4izoQlXBvXaI3Gkc6/s1600/d3849349-d8e0-4c38-baff-d3293a13709e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxGdMMxXcRF0w-XJHWIE1rpdfzRUsInkvZ3_JI0xowQHF0e8TmlESXxMqlXttyWHqdTe5qMmqmU37YFLYRiiigo8wC9i-vq_XxJTE5jOwr1ZsDkFrFYOyTQP_4izoQlXBvXaI3Gkc6/s400/d3849349-d8e0-4c38-baff-d3293a13709e.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-54299081802566311372011-07-07T17:17:00.001-04:002012-07-27T15:38:36.685-04:00CONE-ING<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="286" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/uR6SRJ2QEZ8" width="450"></iframe><br />
<br />
Who's going CONE-ing with me this weekend???<br />
<br />
Want more CONE-ing? Of course you do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="286" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WygNjMSllLQ" width="450"></iframe>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-43295135679895555402011-06-21T10:40:00.001-04:002011-06-21T10:41:07.880-04:00BROTHERS<b>avi: </b>can i suggest that other people "like" something? i mean - can i suggest it digitally or do i have to call you or hope you noticed that i liked it?<br />
<b>me:</b> if ur an admin of a group or something, u can send it to ur friends and "suggest" they "like" it but it'll show in others feeds if u LIKEd it<br />
<b>avi:</b> k, LIKE it for me<br />
<b>me:</b> like what??<br />
<b>avi:</b> canadian springs<br />
<b>me:</b> done<br />
<b>avi:</b> u get a free 18L water...<br />
<b>me: </b>really??? genius.<br />
<b>avi:</b> poured over your head<br />
<b>me:</b> asshole<br />
<br />
Now you too can LIKE Canadian Springs on Facebook: <a href="http://www.facebook.com/CanadianSprings">http://www.facebook.com/CanadianSprings</a>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-9783575172386267692011-06-13T14:43:00.001-04:002012-07-27T15:39:13.139-04:00Perfect TimingIt's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-91005584325072672592011-05-26T11:53:00.002-04:002011-05-26T12:12:37.023-04:00A Political Piece: DSKCan I be honest with you guys for just a sec? Politics isn't my thing. Growing up in Montreal, the only time I ever cared about politics was when my dad told me that if we lost the referendum I wouldn't be allowed to go out trick or treating the next night because it may be too dangerous. I was <b>pissed</b>, you guys!!! I was like, "WHAT?! Politics is gonna ruin Halloween?" So you can understand why I just was never into it. I mean, the area I grew up in has had the same house representative my entire life (that information may be wrong - I once heard someone say something along those lines and I just tried to fact check it but I know so little about politics, I wasn't really able to confirm. Pretty sure I'm completely wrong though). Sure, I've voted (that's my story and i'm sticking to it) and I once went to a rally for something (I actually didn't, I ended up taking the afternoon off school for it but instead I ordered in burgers and fries with my best friend) but I'm just not super passionate about politics. I'm more interested in global environment issues or you know what, if politics are at all on my radar, it'd be Israeli politics - their relationship with the United States, their constant border struggles and the possibility and precautions of war between their neighboring states, <b>not</b> if we're gonna retract the 5 cent fee for plastic bags in local grocery stores. And yes, I know - there's a lot more to Canadian politics than the simple small stuff (like the Alberta Tar Sands, big budget issues and whatnot) but if it's being run by people with Canadian accents and that look Canadian, i'm just not feeling it. It's like watching Canadian television. It may as well be taped by your next door neighbor Roger and broadcasted on his youtube channel. LOW BUDGET.<br />
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Whoa. I'm so sorry. I just went off on an anti-political tangent there, huh? I don't know what came over me. I guess that all sounds pretty harsh. My poor friend Aly who works for the Canadian government is likely reading this with her hand on her forehead, shaking her head back and forth, coming up with ways to teach me more about this world I care so little about. Well, Aly - i'm not gonna listen. Or i'll listen, but as my teachers used to say - i won't HEAR. (or was it i'll hear but won't listen? Eh who knows - I wasn't listening).<br />
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Now look - There was originally a point to this post. I was going to write about Dominique Strauss-Kahn. I've been hearing his name (up until this morning I wasn't 100% sure if it was a he or a she though) and haven't bothered listening to the actual story or reading past the headline. I had never heard of this Strauss-Kahn before so why would I start to care now? All I could gather from the information I did happen to ingest was that he was some sort of left-wing political figure which only made me <b>less</b> interested... and then my boss mentioned it and that was it. I no longer gave a shit <b>at all</b>.<br />
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Unfortunately, I couldn't escape the Strauss-Kahn hooplah. I found his name coming up in my twitter feed, on the radio stations I flipped through on my way to work... even on blogs I read that normally just cover Jennifer Aniston's relationships with co-stars or Glee spoilers. So I decided, Eff This! I'm gonna do some research on the Wikipedia page of Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn and then I'm gonna do a blog post on him (or her). Unfortunately, it turned out things were just as I suspected. He was a stuffy political figure who was part of associations, monetary funds and parties I knew nothing about and my interest slowly dwindled... until paragraph 3!<br />
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"In May 2011, Strauss-Kahn was arrested in New York City and charged with the sexual assault of a maid who was cleaning his Sofitel hotel suite".<br />
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Oh shit. Juicy!!! Apparently in more detail, Strauss-Kahn exited the bathroom of his hotel room, naked, while a 32 year old maid was cleaning and then forced her to perform oral sex on him and attempted to rape her. Now he says he isn't denying they had intercourse but claims it was consensual. <br />
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WHAT?! Google Images immediately!<br />
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No!!! That?! Yikes. That's Dominique Strauss-Kahn in 2007. 2007!!! (if I could capitalize numbers, those would've been capitalized). Imagine what he looks like <b>now</b>. Even worse, imagine what he looks like now, naked! Double yikes. Also, I don't go to NYC hotels very often but i'm almost 99% sure that a 32 year old MAID who works at the SOFITEL in NEW YORK CITY is probably pretty hot. There is no chance anyone, never mind a 32 year old hot maid, would want to have consensual sex with him. He's like if Rodney Dangerfield and Mel Brooks mated.<br />
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Now here's where it gets even more interesting. Apparently French citizens (did I mention Dominique - which is a girls name, by the way - was from France? Maybe you know? You follow this stuff?) were given a poll just days after the occurrence and the majority believe he is being set up as part of a smear campaign to hurt his political career back home in France. Um, i'm sorry but we AMERICANS (I'm Canadian but you get the point) don't have time to hire fake cleaning ladies and plant fake evidence that proves RAPE mind you, just to hurt some no-name (or 3 name, whatever) putz. We have other things to do like watch the finale of American Idol.<br />
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Which brings us to the present day. Obviously Mr. Strauss-Kahn is now sitting in a dirty New York City jail cell while he awaits trial (I know this because I watch Law & Order SVU). Oh wait - What's that? No? Oh shit, I'm sorry you guys. That's right - He <b>isn't</b> in jail. He's simply on house-arrest since he was able to post his $1 million bail and $5 million insurance bond (like any of us could). But wait, Mr. Strauss-Kahn isn't from New York... He doesn't have a house! And surely they cannot put him up in a hotel (I mean, NYC hotels are sooo expensive). So where is he??<br />
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Found him! He's just at his four bedroom-five bathroom $50,000 per month Tribeca townhouse with a state-of-the-art Boffi kitchen, high-end Miele and Gaggenau appliances, an Italian limestone bath with a Duravit jet tub and waterfall shower, and of course a lovely living space that includes a skylight and fireplace, perfect for sitting around with your lawyers to discuss how you're going to win the big case! If that wasn't awesome enough for DSK, his new up&up neighbours include Jay-Z, Ed Burns and wife Christy Turlington (keep her close, Eddy) and Harvey Keitel. He's also like, only 2 blocks from Nobu! Yummy!<br />
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I'm honestly disgusted with this guy. And it isn't helping that I just found out he's Jewish. I'm very conflicted. Do I hate him because he's a sexual offender or because he's tainting the name of my good people? I think i'll just hate him for both and stay out of politics for a while. I'M EXHAUSTED!<br />
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This has been an informative piece.lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-62634497173902077822011-05-26T09:31:00.000-04:002011-05-26T09:31:11.408-04:00Joplin, MO - Before & After<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG7UEjyMhz22k065yAbyTpHmazyhs8tEE6JACGt0WyCknIDTwzXkzJrMH7zLyP1-qOW9VQfmm4rb4OdCDZo8JlBCjUpnsTmVZHsH276rimq9oNdP4fNR_-N4oXamZqBP1k5NfsEA6c/s1600/tumblr_llpnqfFLe71qzpwi0o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="386" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG7UEjyMhz22k065yAbyTpHmazyhs8tEE6JACGt0WyCknIDTwzXkzJrMH7zLyP1-qOW9VQfmm4rb4OdCDZo8JlBCjUpnsTmVZHsH276rimq9oNdP4fNR_-N4oXamZqBP1k5NfsEA6c/s400/tumblr_llpnqfFLe71qzpwi0o1_500.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-2380099625911271702011-05-25T16:07:00.001-04:002011-05-25T16:09:13.818-04:00This Facebook Status is the "Worse"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6-l4mCWK2HqRxsW2dgkuVUR3ppFRauOfciFY0BxXveshsxyZq1W_NxH10pkg1zo1IwoWpOcPC_sp3_BAz5Kz33lgXxUJtTgeAd-jSSiccBgnG6Y65Fk3IJ_NdUzbLmWMkEflhTsW-/s1600/306435144.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6-l4mCWK2HqRxsW2dgkuVUR3ppFRauOfciFY0BxXveshsxyZq1W_NxH10pkg1zo1IwoWpOcPC_sp3_BAz5Kz33lgXxUJtTgeAd-jSSiccBgnG6Y65Fk3IJ_NdUzbLmWMkEflhTsW-/s400/306435144.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><span id="goog_655837322"></span><span id="goog_655837323"></span>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-41769314364983529222011-05-24T15:14:00.001-04:002011-05-24T15:28:01.863-04:00Bye Bye OprahThis is in no way "news". I have never claimed to be a blog that keeps you posted with up-to-the-minute coverage. Sometimes I don't even post for weeks. And to be honest, I barely take time to watch the actual news (unless TMZ is news?).<br />
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Really, this post is about the queen of <strike>weight fluctuation</strike> talk shows, Oprah. We all know Oprah is ending in a few days but instead of talking about the sad times (depends who you're asking, i guess), lets focus on the good times. Oprah's Favorite Things. Oprah's Favorite Things is... well... indescribable in words really. Why talk about Oprah when I could just recycle images I found online from the worlds (2nd) greatest blog: "<a href="http://facesofthelastseasonofoprah.tumblr.com/">Faces of the Last Season of Oprah</a>"? I found the site several months ago but looking back on the same images i'd already seen - well, lets just say this will never get old.<br />
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I'm about to go overboard with the photos. Give each one the special time and care it deserves. These are works of art, people. You're very welcome.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVhyICToGmkTz2EIAvgTpNHNSTbGhGccEkKp9IcQz1eePsz1EOp_iLSlzRR2w-8I5cfKPyplTGkNG6IdQ3jCPNHOA1CD61C7aoUuqBOkQQNnZP2eGj3Yx1yrFHu_UeODdIjvMnNVfq/s1600/tumblr_lc5nc9cW3E1qdfuiwo1_500.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVhyICToGmkTz2EIAvgTpNHNSTbGhGccEkKp9IcQz1eePsz1EOp_iLSlzRR2w-8I5cfKPyplTGkNG6IdQ3jCPNHOA1CD61C7aoUuqBOkQQNnZP2eGj3Yx1yrFHu_UeODdIjvMnNVfq/s400/tumblr_lc5nc9cW3E1qdfuiwo1_500.png" width="400" /></a></div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-20933799111152655772011-05-24T14:27:00.000-04:002011-05-24T14:27:20.397-04:00The Naked & Famous<iframe width="420" height="269" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WdO85Qf4Poc?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-23495646063871988002011-05-22T12:58:00.002-04:002011-05-22T13:04:20.858-04:00The Judy Review, Vol. 5: N/A<i>The Judy Review is a sporadic phone conversation with my mom regarding films she watches, transcribed for your reading pleasure. To read all Judy Reviews, click [</i><a href="http://adaptedv2.blogspot.com/search/label/A%20Judy%20Review"><i>here</i></a><i>].</i><br />
<br />
JUDY: "Oh, so I watched a movie last night."<br />
Me: "Oh great! Finally!"<br />
JUDY: "Yea - or two nights ago..."<br />
Me: "Which movie?"<br />
JUDY: "Oy, you know what, Laur?"<br />
Me: "What?"<br />
JUDY: "I can't remember."<br />
Me: "Seriously?"<br />
JUDY: "I think it was good though."<br />
Me: "Great..."<br />
JUDY: "Or maybe not. I think I fell asleep."<br />
Me: "Oh God."<br />
JUDY: "Maybe that's why I can't remember."<br />
Me: "Likely."<br />
JUDY: "It was an old movie, I think."<br />
Me: "That's all you got?"<br />
JUDY: "Don't put this on your blog."<br />
Me: "Trust me, I won't."<br />
<br />
Next time on <b>The Judy Review, Vol. 6: TBD</b>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-32105297730286841632011-05-20T10:00:00.003-04:002011-05-20T10:01:51.177-04:00Religiousbook<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqmfpWo9TuJPQQ0ZXurhqCGpHI2qY0rADYt9DQBBhgDIgN1WQrKFGm2E7w_cyXBgo8aXhrOejD0AgPt-7kL1Uu62P4ir1teom2oGPMhIbss4qqYYIb_G_06793hdkDXFz1_iz5ZqZ2/s1600/4dd19f97186de.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqmfpWo9TuJPQQ0ZXurhqCGpHI2qY0rADYt9DQBBhgDIgN1WQrKFGm2E7w_cyXBgo8aXhrOejD0AgPt-7kL1Uu62P4ir1teom2oGPMhIbss4qqYYIb_G_06793hdkDXFz1_iz5ZqZ2/s400/4dd19f97186de.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-75562793120996386052011-05-19T16:18:00.002-04:002011-05-22T13:10:47.361-04:00my next tattoo, sorry mom.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc3QTg98RDOWhcxBAicyI_kOcTvPV9I32ACqm7bZkmTG-LA6k_ZMTJPAzQ9rE42UmC40a7Dt4kcVDSdVA5CubEEC0gj3hMuf15n1HUhwLXnd5PH4tOiPjPVVJQ9AE9OmPS09HixqOR/s1600/lavie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="369" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc3QTg98RDOWhcxBAicyI_kOcTvPV9I32ACqm7bZkmTG-LA6k_ZMTJPAzQ9rE42UmC40a7Dt4kcVDSdVA5CubEEC0gj3hMuf15n1HUhwLXnd5PH4tOiPjPVVJQ9AE9OmPS09HixqOR/s400/lavie.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxkAEVV1hcIpjHVNbifAhf4H9unMcMEPanGm-EBcITXV0cnKhIcb_5ufZbVajXz5eO478LmYxzU3oumDnFA2WAgst7RgxRoK8pvJoiTlXY3Y4ao-c37hQV1HimaRcf4dndeUrSfccT/s1600/IMG01044-20110521-1546.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxkAEVV1hcIpjHVNbifAhf4H9unMcMEPanGm-EBcITXV0cnKhIcb_5ufZbVajXz5eO478LmYxzU3oumDnFA2WAgst7RgxRoK8pvJoiTlXY3Y4ao-c37hQV1HimaRcf4dndeUrSfccT/s320/IMG01044-20110521-1546.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc3QTg98RDOWhcxBAicyI_kOcTvPV9I32ACqm7bZkmTG-LA6k_ZMTJPAzQ9rE42UmC40a7Dt4kcVDSdVA5CubEEC0gj3hMuf15n1HUhwLXnd5PH4tOiPjPVVJQ9AE9OmPS09HixqOR/s1600/lavie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc3QTg98RDOWhcxBAicyI_kOcTvPV9I32ACqm7bZkmTG-LA6k_ZMTJPAzQ9rE42UmC40a7Dt4kcVDSdVA5CubEEC0gj3hMuf15n1HUhwLXnd5PH4tOiPjPVVJQ9AE9OmPS09HixqOR/s1600/lavie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950940832145612333.post-36929978653246147492011-05-18T15:53:00.005-04:002011-05-18T16:12:39.964-04:00This Is A Referral<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Over a couple of beers and Seinfeld trivia, Peter; a friend of mine, recently revealed to me that he too <strike>was a huge alcoholic</strike> has a blog. I knew I wanted to post a referral but since I didn't blog about it right away, the blogs name happened to escape my memory. Could've also been the beers, by the way.<br />
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Anyway - I finally decided to write this post but when the time came, I couldn't for the life of me remember the blogs name. I put this entry on hold for 2 full days while I tried to recount the website which turned out to be <a href="http://freeharpoons.tumblr.com/" target="blank">freeharpoons.tumblr.com</a> - Luckily he had enlightened me with it's origin which helped me figure it out in the first place, that of which I am about to share. </div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">As he recounted it, in one of the very first episodes of Law & Order SVU - Munch (Richard Belzer, pictured below) was visiting with the Coroner who of course he was hitting on. She told him she could not continue on with this conversation as she had to attend to removing a harpoon from a corpse. Munch proceeded to ask her what it was that made her interested in this field of work at all to which she replied.... "free harpoons".</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I loved this story. Loved. I loved it because I love Munch and I love Law & Order SVU. But what I loved the most was that this scene was what he named his blog after. A scene at least 10 years old that had no importance to the grand storyline whatsoever. But two words that he enjoyed so much that he'd name his entire blog after it. It's reasons like this that I find this friend so fascinating and hilarious. Of course his blog follows suit.</div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">If you're tired of my infrequent and erratic postings and are looking for something a little different (and enjoyed the story above - because that is typically the kind of humour and subject matter his blog contains) then I suggest you become a "reader of Peter". I made that tagline up, btw. I know, i know- i'm amazing.</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://freeharpoons.tumblr.com/" target="blank">freeharpoons.tumblr.com</a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Tell him I sent you. You'll get nothing.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTNJlmXrGoBQkI9E7ML9ugrzxGzDPC_VfkdPrSZKzqVl0D3Z9DMRQ&t=1" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTNJlmXrGoBQkI9E7ML9ugrzxGzDPC_VfkdPrSZKzqVl0D3Z9DMRQ&t=1" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">THIS IS MUNCH, BTW.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
</div></div></div>lolohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14861768053016485818noreply@blogger.com0