Mr. Brando

The Wild One is on tv right now. A true classic.

A 1953 film about rebellion in conformist times which also served as a vehicle for Marlon Brando's tight jeans.

Brando was one of the greatest actors who ever lived. He seethed with a tempestuous anger and bristled with an animal sexuality, is what someone might say if they were pretentious and wanted to sound smart when they described him.

And of course, like all the handsome charmers do, he eventually went crazy!

As we all know, late in his life, Mr. Brando, with nothing left to prove, no mountains left to climb, a legend among men, went on an all peanut butter diet and moved to a private Tahitian island where he primarily talked to himself and got sunburned. The actor was legendary for his mood swings, political outbursts, being 400+ pounds, and of course, the few movies in which he did decide to act.

But so what! We should all be so lucky to peak by the time we're 30 and spend the rest of our lives as fat lunatics, succumbing to the pleasures of our own private island! The question is, who's next? Which of our current Hollywood stars has what it takes to have a complete melt down and turn what was once a promising career into a late night monologue joke punchline?

Zac Efron: I'm not actually saying that Zac is as talented as Marlon. I'm saying that he is very famous & young, and his movies tend to make boat loads of money, some of which must go into his 'raindy day private island' fund. The road of life is long and winding, and it is not impossible to imagine waking up one day to find out that there are no doughnuts left because Zac ate them all, right before he disappeared forever.

Mel Gibson: Obviously, Mel is more than halfway there. The day that you start publicly defending your holocaust-denying father for denying the holocaust is the day that you should probably find a secluded island, regardless. Remember when he got arrested for drunk driving and for also calling a cop "sugar tits"? Classic Brando.

Will Smith: Not only has Will Smith been famous since what feels like the Mesozoic Era (I heard he knew the guy who invented the sun dial), he is also supposedly the "last bankable movie star." All of this suggests a celebrity slated for extreme meltdown, and yet he always seems so level-headed! Which is actually even scarier because it means it's bottled up in there somewhere, and when it finally emerges and he falls apart in front of everyone, it's going to be incredible.

Jackie Chan: What, you don't think Jackie could be the next Marlon Brando? Racist.

Angelina Jolie: Here we go. Here's someone who from a very early age has been celebrated and fawned over. She now lives an unbearable horrorshow of a life under constant scrutiny and obsessive attention. She's got the money, the history of knife play and sexual mindgames, and the dwindling ambitions of someone at the top with nowhere left to go. And when her kids get old enough, she will have an army for her Nation of One.