My New Home Sweet Home

I, along with my girlfriend recently moved into a beautiful new home in the Toronto neighborhood of Parkdale. It's nestled between pregnant lesbians, elderly Asian beer can collectors and childless professors and of course we fit in quite nicely. Mostly because we all ride bicycles. Our new home spans the top two floors of an old Victorian, decorated with crown moldings and wainscoting, creaky wooden floors and a clawfoot tub in the master bath. So yes, it's basically a Pinterest board.

Of course getting an apartment of this calibre wasn't easy. We braved a line of over 50 people who trotted in and out of our soon to be home (shoes ON, might I add), commenting on how their dining room set would fit perfectly into the space or how they lived just down the street so they "already knew the neighborhood", as if that was some kind of bonus. Most had their credit reports in hand, neatly filed with their bank statement and references; Clearly they had been looking for some time, just as we had. And let me tell you, it was slim pickens. It's no wonder you could cut the eagerness with a knife.

I remember standing shoulder to shoulder with these hipster couples, all within our age group (I'm the ripe young age of 32, if you must know), everyone filling out their applications. Name, date of birth, current address & previous address, current landlord & previous landlord, current employer & previous employer. We had filled so many of these out already, I could have completed it with my eyes closed. Bank account numbers, personal references, bra size (kidding - just making sure you're paying attention)... it seemed to never end. We filled one out because, hell - someone had to get it, right?

Well, someone did. This someone. And why? How? Out of all the applicants, why would this gorgeous, young, busty jew get it and not them? It's simple really. Because the landlord printed old applications that didn't ask for contact information and I was the only one to follow up. Seriously. No phone number. No email address. Nothing. They had the rights to my first born - but if they wanted to text me? Nope, sorry.

But YAY!! In the end, the apartment was ours! And therefore the moral of the story is? Look for homes that have stoners for landlords! Always follow up!

Yes! Following up = success. I can't provide any examples to that equation other than the above story but trust me on this one.

The. End.



The truth is, I initially set out to write about a very noisy dog. A dog I could hear from a far, causing quite a raucous during our initial visit to the apartment. While we filled out our application, this dog barked his face off like a fucking champ. I cheekily commented "does that dog come with the place?" and yes, I got a few laughs - or so I remember. But in the end, that dog DID come with the place. And he is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. My girlfriend Googled what to do about noisy neighborhood dogs but that didn't provide much help - Also, perhaps she is just a lousy Googler. Sometimes I bark back, but that too is ineffective. Go figure.

So yes, I initially set out to write about the dog. But after second thought, I felt that maybe it was best kept secret. Because if we end up kidnapping him and driving him up north and leaving him at some farm and never speaking of this again, well then I wouldn't want it to be out there on the internets or anything. So i'm not going to talk about the dog.

Now, where's that delete button? Is it the one that says "Publish"? I'll try that...


Apple Fail

I hope all the Apple executives love it when they try and select things on their Apple TV using the remote but it instead turns on their iTunes from their MacBook and turns the volume up. And I hope people are over when it happens. And I hope the song that plays automatically on their MacBook is something by Dave Matthews Band.


Buy Me Somethin' Good

I fucking love my birthday.

I've always craved attention and a birthday is the ultimate vessel for it.

But as the years go by, it becomes less about the attention and more about the presents. Everyone knows presents are the most important thing in the world. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.


My girlfriend Katie is a tad weak as a gift giver. More than that, she hates it. She hates thinking of gifts, looking for gifts, spending money on gifts. She just hates gifts (unless she is the one getting them). She constantly buys for others what she would like for herself and I mean this literally. She buys the gifts and then she uses them. We spoke last night about my upcoming birthday and what I'd like to receive. I told her to surprise me. Mistake number one. She then proceeded to tell me what she was thinking of buying me.

First - a helicopter ride around the city.

A helicopter ride around the city for the girl who takes two ativan to fly but that doesn't even really help because it doesn't actually take away my genuine belief that i'm about to die on any given flight.


An ironing board.

We've been together over a year. And she wants to buy me an ironing board.

Ask me how many times i've used an ironing board IN MY LIFE.

4 times. FOUR TIMES. And that's an estimate given that I DON'T OWN ONE! She may as well buy me a mop. At least the mop I could use as a wig for some joke sometime. Seriously.

I guess things could be worse. The guy sitting next to me this morning on the street car was wearing a plastic bag and his arm was covered in enormous cysts. Yes, it could certainly be worse. But i don't want an ironing board! What i'd truthfully love is for her to just take me out to a cute restaurant and get drunk on a good bottle of wine.

But no. That's not her style. And remember what I told you - she likes gifts she would want for herself. And she doesn't want that. So - in an attempt to save my relationship, I have compiled a list (including links) of things i'd want for my birthday that she herself could enjoy as well.

I present to you, my birthday wishlist.

1. A DUSTBUSTER (click)
Sure, sure... it's as domestic as an ironing board. But the difference is, i'd USE a dustbuster. I hate dust, and i love busting. Plus Katie loves clean corners. You do not mess with Katie and cleanliness. Trust me. If cleaning paid more than model managing, Katie would be cleaning. All. The. Time.

2. A COFFEE PRESS (click)
A Tassimo or a Keurig is a little too glamorous for me. Plus, I really don't drink too much coffee. Weekends, mostly. But you know who likes coffee? Katie. Katie likes coffee. Katie likes coffee all the time. You never know when Katie wants coffee. Could be now. Or now! I like Katie being comfortable at my place, so a way to make coffee quickly would be awesome. Because Katie doesn't like to wait very long either. A coffee press is perfect for that. Plus, it's super cheap. Another thing Katie really likes.

I don't think this needs much of an explanation. I have two plain white couches in my living room with... wait for it... NO pillows! I like gray and white ones (like this one) and then super colorful ones (like this one). But truthfully, I want pillows so that when Katie comes over, she can be comfortable. Everyone else can go fuck themselves (including me).

4. RECORD PLAYER (click)
Ok, so I have a record player. I've had one for a long long time. But I want another one for my room. The only thing I don't love about my new apartment is that my record player is so far from my bedroom. So basically, I can only listen to records in my living room. But I would simply love to have this in my bedroom so I could bring records in there. Wouldn't that just be amazing, Katie? Wouldn't it???

I'm a Jew. Jews love stupid stuff. We call it "Tchochkees" and we live for this shit. You will literally never find a Jew who is upset about a box of little tchochkees as a gift. Basically, the more the merrier. Great place in TO for tchochkees? Magic Pony on Queen W. Do I have to google map it for you?

Get me cash and i'll end this.


he's probably right

the following is an email from andy after i asked him what the name of the tool was that i needed to install my new towel rack.

a drill, some drywall plugs and screws
i don't think screws come with
and a screwdriver
and probably a man


conversations with the groom

lolo: r u speaking at ur wedding
andy: of course. i'm not writing anything though.
andy: i want to ad lib
andy: actually, i was thinking of mad libbing
andy: just having a speech with some nouns and verbs missing
lolo: u r on fire right now.
lolo: i want to blog this conversation
andy: i'll try to craft a tweet about it
lolo: crossed my mind but too many words & none worth eliminating
andy: i am going to take a dump soon and i'll work on it

I can't wait to be at this wedding.


People Are Dicks (Toronto Edition)

She answers to Marigold. She is grey, pretty banged up but new seat and new handle bars. Half the bell is missing (the top half) and the front has two clips for lights (cuz I didn't know how to take the old one off). This bike was literally stolen from my doorstep while locked up. I live on Ossington at College so if you're near there, please keep a close eye.

Let's stop bike thieves. Together we can stop bike thieves (wait, I just said that).


Music Now! Music Now!

Saw this show Monday night. Was a fan before but am now a superfan, which means that part of my responsibilities are to post a video of hers on my blog. I signed a contract so it's kind of a non-negotiable. Enjoy this version of 'The Writer' in a one-take at Metropolis Studios in February 2010. So good.


I read too, ya know!

"I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society... unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool." 

Tina Fey's book Bossypants is hysterical.


Picture Of The Day

the truth will set you free, brendon.


The Aaron Chronicles: Vol 2

A new feature, chronicling the adventures of my eldest brother Aaron and the genuinely serious things he says and does that we can all laugh at him for. (Don't tell him about my blog - seriously).

Vol 2: Speed Racer
Aaron gets pulled over going 146 in a 100 zone on the 401. 

Aaron: "I was actually just speeding up for a few moments as I got out of the traffic"
Cop: "I've been following you for 12 kilometres".

The Aaron Chronicles: Vol 1

A new feature, chronicling the adventures of my eldest brother Aaron and the genuinely serious things he says and does that we can all laugh at him for. (Don't tell him about my blog - seriously).

Vol 1: WordMole
Aaron has a high score of 13595. 

Me: "Aar, what's the trick to getting such a high score?"
Aaron: "It's something that comes from within".