LIVE with _______ & Kelly

Once again, I chime in on popular topics about 2 4 weeks after the fact. Maybe it's because I like to get all the information straight, before i just dive in, willy nilly (mom expression), educating my readers about it. Ever think of that? Or it could just be because I wait til the best stuff has been written and then copy it with some minor paraphrasing. Can't say for sure. My reasoning varies post to post.

Regardless, today i'll be discussing Sir Regis Philbin's recent(ish) announcement that he will be leaving LIVE. Now granted this isn't earth shattering news, at least not to me. Until I heard of this matter I was under the impression Regis had already left the show and he was the guy serving me my pizza at that place down the street where the guy who serves me my pizza looks exactly like Regis Philbin.

Allow me to be blunt (james blunt). It's best Reeg retire. He's OLD you guys. Like, the kind of old where even though you're famous, you still smell bad. I'm surprised nobody forced him to leave the show years ago. In a world filled with men named things like "Ashton" and "Chord", there's just no more room for a Regis.

Now with this news comes panic. Who will replace Regis? How will we ever find someone as uncomfortably awesome? That's where I come in. No, i'm not gonna say it should be me. That's not what i'm thinking at all. (it did cross my mind earlier for like, a split second). I'm here just to suggest. Plant a seed.

So let's start, shall we?

Jesse James
Ok. So Jesse has been in the headlines non stop over the last year. This guy is an absolute media darling. If it wasn't for committing adultery and extreme sexting, then it was his passion for nazi paraphanalia, or hooking up with girls named "bombshell". This guy is on a roll and I think if he were to just lay low he'd miss out on some big oppurtunities. He needs to milk this. Strike while the iron is hot. America is the land of second chances. I mean, did Family Guy get cancelled and then renewed after 2 years of being off the air? DID IT? ANSWER ME! Exactly.

Justin Bieber
Let's face it. Regis raised the average viewers age to about 74. What they really need is a young whippernapper with a young fanbase to get things vibrant again. Also, he's got so much time, this kid is not busy at all. He definitely has the time to do a huge production daily morning show. If he says no, then it's only out of laziness.

The Cake Boss Guy
This guy makes cake. CAKE. For a living. Can you imagine the possibilities? There are so many, I can't even think of one right now.

Mark Consuelos
Oh how audiences love watching real life married couples on television together. They eat it up! It's ratings GOLD. And nevermind that, think of what it could do for the marriage. If history has taught us anything it's that couples who broadcast their relationship on television MAKE. IT. LAST! Britney & Kevin, Jessica & Nick, Carmen & Dave, Jon & Kate, Chad & Sophia. Need I go on? The formula WORKS. Also, they have several (too lazy to google actual number) children who could fill in for either of them if one is under the weather. I'm sick of seeing Pat Sejak on that show. Pat, you belong on 7:30pm television for 30 minutes max, and that is all, my friend. Accept that.

The Guy Who Impregnated Natalie Portman
He's cute. And once awards season is done, he'll need something to do. If that's not a recipe for success, I don't know what is.

Dr. Conrad Murray
So he killed Michael Jackson. Big deal! Are we really the kind of society that ostracizes murderers because they killed the most beloved performer of our time? Mr. Murray (can I call him "Mr."?) is the kindest, most gentle soul who's only crime was loving too much. He definitely has a lot of celebrity friends who he deals to treats and could get amazing stars on that show. I mean, it could use some real guests. I think the last time I caught an episode, they had Charlize Theron on. What's the last thing Charlize did? Sweet November with Keanu? It's February already. Ridiculous.

Kim Kardashian
She's a dude, right?