Buy Me Somethin' Good

I fucking love my birthday.

I've always craved attention and a birthday is the ultimate vessel for it.

But as the years go by, it becomes less about the attention and more about the presents. Everyone knows presents are the most important thing in the world. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.


My girlfriend Katie is a tad weak as a gift giver. More than that, she hates it. She hates thinking of gifts, looking for gifts, spending money on gifts. She just hates gifts (unless she is the one getting them). She constantly buys for others what she would like for herself and I mean this literally. She buys the gifts and then she uses them. We spoke last night about my upcoming birthday and what I'd like to receive. I told her to surprise me. Mistake number one. She then proceeded to tell me what she was thinking of buying me.

First - a helicopter ride around the city.

A helicopter ride around the city for the girl who takes two ativan to fly but that doesn't even really help because it doesn't actually take away my genuine belief that i'm about to die on any given flight.


An ironing board.

We've been together over a year. And she wants to buy me an ironing board.

Ask me how many times i've used an ironing board IN MY LIFE.

4 times. FOUR TIMES. And that's an estimate given that I DON'T OWN ONE! She may as well buy me a mop. At least the mop I could use as a wig for some joke sometime. Seriously.

I guess things could be worse. The guy sitting next to me this morning on the street car was wearing a plastic bag and his arm was covered in enormous cysts. Yes, it could certainly be worse. But i don't want an ironing board! What i'd truthfully love is for her to just take me out to a cute restaurant and get drunk on a good bottle of wine.

But no. That's not her style. And remember what I told you - she likes gifts she would want for herself. And she doesn't want that. So - in an attempt to save my relationship, I have compiled a list (including links) of things i'd want for my birthday that she herself could enjoy as well.

I present to you, my birthday wishlist.

1. A DUSTBUSTER (click)
Sure, sure... it's as domestic as an ironing board. But the difference is, i'd USE a dustbuster. I hate dust, and i love busting. Plus Katie loves clean corners. You do not mess with Katie and cleanliness. Trust me. If cleaning paid more than model managing, Katie would be cleaning. All. The. Time.

2. A COFFEE PRESS (click)
A Tassimo or a Keurig is a little too glamorous for me. Plus, I really don't drink too much coffee. Weekends, mostly. But you know who likes coffee? Katie. Katie likes coffee. Katie likes coffee all the time. You never know when Katie wants coffee. Could be now. Or now! I like Katie being comfortable at my place, so a way to make coffee quickly would be awesome. Because Katie doesn't like to wait very long either. A coffee press is perfect for that. Plus, it's super cheap. Another thing Katie really likes.

I don't think this needs much of an explanation. I have two plain white couches in my living room with... wait for it... NO pillows! I like gray and white ones (like this one) and then super colorful ones (like this one). But truthfully, I want pillows so that when Katie comes over, she can be comfortable. Everyone else can go fuck themselves (including me).

4. RECORD PLAYER (click)
Ok, so I have a record player. I've had one for a long long time. But I want another one for my room. The only thing I don't love about my new apartment is that my record player is so far from my bedroom. So basically, I can only listen to records in my living room. But I would simply love to have this in my bedroom so I could bring records in there. Wouldn't that just be amazing, Katie? Wouldn't it???

I'm a Jew. Jews love stupid stuff. We call it "Tchochkees" and we live for this shit. You will literally never find a Jew who is upset about a box of little tchochkees as a gift. Basically, the more the merrier. Great place in TO for tchochkees? Magic Pony on Queen W. Do I have to google map it for you?

Get me cash and i'll end this.

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