So, Where do I begin? I guess i'll just dive right in and make the big announcement. There's no point in beating around the bush... or is it beading? Wait, why would someone bead around a bush? Like beading, like; a necklace? But even beating around a bush... Do I google the meaning of this or just let it go? Oh, you know I'm gonna google it, right? Yahoo Answers - which is generally extremely reliable and accurate as you may know, says that when you go hunting, you send out "beaters" to smack the bushes with sticks. This scares the birds hiding in the bushes, causing them to fly out and the hunters can then shoot them. So the beaters aren't getting right to the point of killing the birds, but they are getting near it, trying to bring the topic or "bird" if you will, into the open. Amazing.
Ok, so now that that's out of the way...
I know. Pretty weak start to what was supposed to be my comeback post. I guess i'm just out of shape. The only humorous writing I've been doing lately is on Twitter and in 140 characters i am hilarious. Trust me. (In the likely event you do NOT trust me, I can provide for you a list of several tweets of mine that have been retweeted, which is like, the ultimate tweet compliment if you weren't already aware). Perhaps you're familiar with my tweet on December 9th of 2010 in which I humorously wrote "Obviously the girl in 'baby its cold outside' doesn't wanna stay. A warm jacket & she'd be fine yet she keeps making excuses. Wake up, guy!" - A nice young fellow I used to hook up with retweeted it soon after. That's right. Can you say romance rekindled? Hmmm... maybe?!?! Who knows, am I right? AM I RIGHT!?!?
Shit, I've gone off track again. Seriously now, let's get to the point.
I've recently uncovered an explosive, mysterious Jewish underworld. This is BIG, you guys. Like, REALLY BIG. Did you know the Jews compile an annual list of the most influential Jewish bloggers? We're talkin' top 100, y'all. 100 Jewish Bloggers. HELLO!!! This is Major!!! A fucking wake up call, really. This is the man himself calling out to me to use my blog for a greater purpose. To change the world, even! (The man being one Mr. Jeffrey Katz, the gentleman compiling the data for said list - obviously).
So now the question remains... (in Mr. Kimble from Kindergarden Cop voice) Who should I influence and what should they do?
Ah!!! So many things rushing through my mind at once. I guess let's just start throwing some ideas out there in a blunt, disorderly, and incongruous fashion, yes?
CHURCH VERSUS STATE!
THE DEATH OF BIGGIE SMALLS!
FREQUENT FLYER PROGRAMS!
TED WILLIAMS GOLDEN RADIO VOICE!
MICROWAVEABLE STEAMED VEGETABLES!
MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT!
Holy shit. I just blacked out and came to, only to find this amazing list of things that make no sense and have no correlation to what I was originally talking about! That's incredible!! But wait... this renders them completely useless in my quest for TOP 100 INFLUENTIAL JEWISH BLOGGER list domination. So, now what?
Think, damnit! Think!!!
I guess I could ask a friend... But who? All my friends are birdbrains and yo-yo's! (I learned these words from my younger cousins. Apparently they weren't allowed to use the word retarded anymore so their father had them thesaurus it and those were the best synonyms returned. Personally I think they're expressive and comprehensible - APPROVED!).
So OK, So... I guess we've got nothing then? Really? Ugh. This is just an absolute shame.
Can I be candid with you for a moment? I genuinely thought I could be the next great one. A reverent dignitary for the upcoming generation. A beacon of hope and diversity. I guess maybe i'm just not ready. Perhaps in 2012 when things are different. When it's not a beauty contest (i'm talking to YOU, Rabbi Yonah, Mr. Look At Me, I'm So Great I'm Ranked #11 And My Tzitzim And Payis Are So Luscious And Sublime).
Ugh, you're right. I shouldn't "go there". I'm sorry. It's just... well, it's hard, you know? Being the underdog all the time... Always coming in 101st. Now I know how K-Fed feels. Popozão was a great song, you guys! Nobody even gave him a chance!!!
Well, anyways... Thanks for taking the time to read this, you guys. I appreciate it, really I do. Perhaps my crusade to becoming one of the TOP 100 INFLUENTIAL JEWISH BLOGGERS will inevitably earn me a spot on the list of TOP 100 INFLUENTIAL JEWISH BLOGGERS, or perhaps mentioning it over and over again in this post will at least have my blog turn up when people google the list of TOP 100 INFLUENTIAL JEWISH BLOGGERS (did i mention top 100 influential Jewish bloggers? TOP 100 INFLUENTIAL JEWISH BLOGGERS).
... Or perhaps i'll be a lonely blogger forevermore.
Only time will tell if I shall emerge victorious, though I think it's safe to say the likelihood is "nisht goot".