The Money Train

It's been a busy week here at A.F.A.N. (adapted from a novel - i know, i forgot that's what my blog was called, too). Lots of people have been writing me, telling me how much they loved the latest Judy Reviews. This has actually been a constant, which got me thinking - I've seen so many television shows about mothers exploiting children and I think that's great and all, like, I 100% fully support that, but what about the reverse. Shouldn't we as children have the same opportunities our parents had when we were growing up? Shouldn't we, as human beings mind you, have the right to abuse our positions as trusted offspring and take harsh, harsh advantage of our aging and in some cases ailing ascendants? Obviously, I think so. Clearly you all think so too, based on the feedback i've received thus far. So now the question remains - HOW? How can I milk my mom for all that she's worth while depriving her of all the benefits I will enjoy and also leaving her out of the loop entirely?

Enter brother Avi.

Avi's smart, you guys. Not like you and me smart, either. The real kind. He knows his times tables for Christ sake (can Jews say Christ? Meh... who cares - I capitalized it). So naturally, as I always do when I need help, I messaged brother Avi. I explained to him how i'm missing the exploitation ship because JUDY doesn't watch enough movies. I mean, if the reviews were on mixed vodka drinks i'd have an epic novels worth of material, but they're not. These reviews MUST be about films because she is so bad at reviewing them and I am so good at provoking this terrible film feedback.

I explained to brother Avi how I could've been a millionaire by now. Book deals, sitcom pilots, my own damn column in some of this nation's worst published dailys. Sure enough, Avi had the answer for me immediately, right there in our gmail chat (where most of our world's problems are solved).

Turns out Avi was sitting next to Barz, both on their gmail chats (epic losers) but together, we (Barz) figured out how to get more reviews out of our cash cow JUDY - Netflix!!!

Of course! Netflix! How could I have been so blind? The only reason Judy doesn't see enough movies is because she's old cheap got limited access to them. Movies are expensive you guys. And when you live half the year in a majestic condo in Montreal's posh Outremont neighborhood, playing bridge every day with your goodtime buddies and then spend the other half of the year (the cold half) in sunny Hallandale Beach, Florida in your deluxe beachside home, movies become a luxury that just isn't top priority (at least not as much as those fabulous espadrilles she just got at Donald J. Pliner in Aventura Mall - they're to die for!).

Well this problem stops here and now. I'm putting my foot down and taking my credit card out. Judy's birthday is March 31st - just a few days away. And guess what i'm getting her? This amazing top I saw at Holt Renfrew - oh no wait, I forgot we discussed I was gonna get her Netflix. Nevermind. Netflix!!! I'm getting her Netflix!!!

Stay tuned for some of the most amazingly horrible reviews you've ever read. And by stay tuned I mean, it should be a few weeks until I actually work this all out - I feel like Netflix is a production... Oh and then of course it'll be about a month or two until she figures out how to use it, and she'll probably call me for help since I got it for her and she'll be so annoying with the phone calls and a million questions that we'll get into a huge fight and then we won't talk for a week or so but then we'll make amends except then it'll take some time to get back to normal and then i'll start with the reviews again.


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